Welcome to our blog.

02/14/2014

This blog is for discussion of our book, DELIVER US FROM EVIL, child abuse survival in general, and the role that churches and other institutions should play in protecting children.   The web site for the book is:  http://www.deliverusfromevil.us .   As soon as the book is available for sale, you will be able to purchase it from links on the web page and the blog.  Meanwhile, check back from time to time for updates on our progress and links to articles and discussions of interest related to the book.
 
You are welcome to participate with your comments as long as they are considerate and polite.  We welcome relevant contributions such as book titles and internet links.  Anyone with abuse issues or comments of their own are welcome to leave those comments here.   Comments will be briefly delayed for review before they appear.

We want to stress that our book is not an indictment of the Mormon Church or religion in general.  Most Mormons raise wonderful families and do not abuse children.  We will be discussing aberrations and deviations which can happen in any religion and in people who have no religion.

We hope that, by bringing our father's abuse to the attention of the Mormon Church Court, we were able to raise that religion's consciousness about the prevalence of child sexual abuse and the harm it causes.

Our book will address those issues as well as the processes of therapy and recovery.  We hope you enjoy the articles, sayings, news articles and book excerpts on this blog.

COMMENTS CAN BE LEFT AT THE END OF EACH ARTICLE OR ITEM.  Thank you.

Deliver Us From Evil 

C H A P T E R   O N E

by

Deborah Hunter-Marsh

 

            Dead at age 75.  Praise the Lord! As his daughter, I'm free at last!  I am free!  There is one less pedophile walking the streets at night.  His obituary reads:  “Walton W. Hunter died at his home in Huntington Beach, California after a long, lingering illness.  Born October 25, 1920 in Enoch, Texas . . . Served in the Air Force. . . Served two missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. . . Mormon Bishop twice for 17 years . . . Dedicated to missionary work . . .loved teaching and expounding gospel . . .counseled church members in times of stress . . .Prominent businessman . . . Hunter Motor Company.”  What they forgot to add was “Charming sociopath . . . conniving pedophile. . . master manipulator . . . controlled people with money.”

            More of his obituary:  “Loving husband to June B. Hunter and devoted father to four children:  Wayne Hunter (Utah); Rebecca Hunter-Rapp (California); Deborah Hunter-Marsh (Oregon); Cynthia Hunter-Steele (California).  Also, he was a devoted grandfather to 21 grandchildren and two great-grandchildren.” 

            That was the family, as sick and twisted as they ever were back in 1995.  You won’t hear much about Wayne, our older brother, or Cynthia, our little sister, in our book because of a little family dispute:  they don’t believe that this story ever happened.  They believe the fairytale that ours was the perfect Mormon family, where everyone was happy.  Theirs was a childhood of hot rods and after-school snacks, riotous jokes and trips to Disneyland.  Everything would still be great for them––except for those pesky sisters, Rebecca and Deborah, who keep making up outlandish lies about our father raping and molesting them and their children.  We also disagree about poor little Mom, how she cleaned up sheets from our beds without even seeing the blood or body fluids on them. Furthermore, we have been unable to agree about our mother’s part in the abuse of their grandchild, Alexander.  So we disagree a little––what family doesn’t?  If Wayne and Cynthia were writing this book, they would stomp their foot and urge us to quiet down and go away.  But it is our story and our book, and we are going to tell the family secrets.  Hopefully, this story will help other men and women who have been abused, who are too scared to speak, and have had to bear their family secrets in silence.  As my therapist Dr. Sterling Ellsworth always told me: “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.  But first it may make you miserable!” 

            So hold on to your hats, buy a bookmark, and hide under the covers if need be, because the trip you’ll take with our story may be scary at times. It will be graphic at times, but we promise it will be true all the time. 

            As they say on Law and Order:  “We have the evidence!”

SVAVA'S POST
Self Denial

For this third week of National Child Abuse Prevention month, I’d like to talk about self-denial.  Part of surviving child sexual abuse is learning to deny the reality of what’s happening to us. 

To do that, we made up stories about our families and ourselves.  It’s how we survive.  We push away the reality that someone we love and trust would hurt us again and again in this horrible, painful way. 

One of the stories we create is that the abuse is our fault.  We must be bad kids, or we must have done something wrong to merit this kind of horrendous “punishment.”  So we try harder to do better.  Perfectionism becomes our goal.  But that doesn’t work either.  The abuse continues no matter what.   

When you deny reality, you deny yourself.  Unfortunately, this is a toxic legacy we carry from our traumatized childhood into adulthood.  It warps our core beliefs about life, the world, and everyone around us.  When we deny ourselves, we disconnect from our hearts and our needs.  We deny who we truly are.

Yet it feels like such a risk to face reality.  And it is.  When we allow the truth about our past to unfold it changes everything.  It changes what we’ve always believed about ourselves, our personal relationships, and the future. 

But this is a risk we must take.  No matter how much you’d like to resist, you must step outside your comfort zone.  I know how that feels.  It’s like someone pulled the rug out from under you.  Yet you have to do it.  It’s the only way to end the pain, fear, anxiety, and frustration that poison your life.

So keep moving forward.  Trust the process.  You are an amazing human being, and you have been gifted with the tools and talent to do this.  You have!

One day you’ll look in the mirror, and you’ll realize you truly love who you’ve become.  But to do that, you need to stop denying yourself.  You need to ask yourself this question: “Who am I?”  The answer is the place where your healing journey begins.

********

Were you sexually abused as a child?  Is your life stuck as an adult, and you can’t seem to move forward?  I offer private coaching sessions by phone or skype ($55.00 per hour) for child sexual abuse survivors just like you.  To set up an appointment, call 619-889-6366 or email svava@educate4change.com today.  Take the time to invest in yourself.  You’re worth it!

GUEST BLOGGER:

SVAVA

Because April is National Child Abuse Prevention month, I thought I’d tell you a little about the work I do with Darkness to Light.   

Darkness to Light Stewards of Children is an organization dedicated to empowering people to prevent child sexual abuse.  Its programs raise awareness by educating adults about the steps they can take to prevent, recognize, and react responsibly when faced with the reality of child sexual abuse. 

I’m a certified instructor for Darkness to Light, and I train facilitators.  I love this work!  Why?  Because it allows me to teach people what they need to know, so they can return to their communities and educate others about how to keep kids safe.  Darkness to Light is proven, evidence-based, and it works. 

Here’s another reason why I’m such a big fan of this program. 

Ten years ago it wasn’t easy for me to talk about myself and the painful abuse I suffered as a child.  But I was deeply committed to this mission.  It had become a goal of mine.  I knew, without a doubt, this kind of training would have made all the difference in my childhood if the adults around me had known how to respond and keep me safe.  Darkness to Light gave me the tools I needed to achieve this goal and become a confident public speaker. 

But we all need to do our part.  Join the movement, get educated, and share what you’ve learned.  You could be saving a child’s life.  Maybe a child in your family.  If you’re interested in more information about Darkness to Light, you’ll find it here: http://www.d2l.org. 

As long as children are being sexually abused in this country, I’ll continue to provide Darkness to Light training wherever I can.  If you’re in San Diego, my next facilitator training session is April 11th.  There’s still room if you’d like to join me.  Just check out this page on my website for more details: http://www.educate4change.com/services.html  

Remember, we are stronger together.  We really are.

                                                                   ********
Were you sexually abused as a child?  Is your life stuck as an adult, and you can’t seem to move forward?  I offer private coaching sessions by phone or skype ($55.00 per hour) for child sexual abuse survivors just like you.  To set up an appointment, call 619-889-6366 or email svava@educate4change.com today.  Take the time to invest in yourself.  You’re worth it!

Are you on my email list?  If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/ 

Hi, Everyone!

 

This is an update on the book and other bits of important matters.  The book is finally finished and we are now looking for a publisher.  It is with a couple of agents and when my RSD (Reflex Sympathetic  Dystrophy) a chronic painful nerve disease.  When that and my bronchitis get better I will write more.  Let me tell you about something else that's exciting.

 

 

April is National Child Abuse Month.  To celebrate this important month of awareness, I’d like to tell you about the blue ribbon I wear.  It’s not only the universal symbol for child abuse prevention, but it’s also part of the logo for the child sexual abuse (CSA) organization I co-founded in Iceland.

 

I love how this ribbon creates awareness!  Every time I wear it people ask about it.  That gives me the opportunity to talk about CSA and how important it is for adults, parents, and teens to be educated. 

 

As you can imagine, after 10 years of coaching abuse survivors and teaching about CSA, I have many blue ribbons pinned to most of my clothing. ;-)

 

 

Would you please wear a blue ribbon and tell people about child abuse and how important it is to help look for signs of abuse in children in their neighborhood and wherever they go.

Thank you.

 

Deborah Hunter Marsh

 

By the way please like my Facebook page.  It's important! 
https://www.facebook.com/DeliverUsFromEvilBook

 

Living from the Heart, Not the Hurt

 

What does that mean?  What does that look like?

 

Well, let me start by telling you what it doesn't look like.  My life is no longer ruled by the burden of fear, shame, and pain I carried from the sexual abuse I suffered as a child.  All of this negative emotion festered and snowballed from childhood into adulthood.  It almost took me down, damaging my relationships and my marriage.  I became my own worst enemy, expecting the worst of everyone.

 

 

 

Today, I live from the heart, knowing and believing I’m lovable, valuable, courageous, compassionate, gentle, loyal, and creative.  I’m a heart-centered person, and I deserve all the joy and peace the world has to offer.

 

I'm no longer a rigid, controlling, too-serious, shaming, sarcastic stick-in-the-mud, who takes everything personally and is always the victim of my circumstances.

 

Here’s the good news.  You’re also a creative, courageous, valuable, lovable person.  Embrace this truth.  It’s the “real” you! 

 

Private Coaching

 

 

Were you sexually abused as a child?  Are you stuck as an adult?  I know how that feels.  You’ve read all the right books, tried everything you can think of, and the same negative things keep happening in your life and relationships.  It’s a depressing hamster wheel, and you can’t figure out how to stop it.
 

 

 

 

 

I can help.  I went through all of that on my own healing journey and finally found my way out.  I can help you escape this awful cycle, too.

That’s why I offer private coaching for those stuck in this frustrating place.  Some just need an hour, and they can move forward again.  Others need more.  Everyone is different.  

I charge $55.00 per hour for Abuse Survivor Coaching.  Call me at 619-889-6366 or email svava@educate4change.com to set up an appointment.

If you need someone safe, someone who knows exactly how you feel and won’t judge, contact me.  We can talk about it.  I‘m always happy to listen.

 

 

 

Depression or Chronic Shame?

By Sarah Newman, MA 

When a person has been resistant to every form of depression treatment, is it possible that their illness stems from a different place? In a recent New York Times article Hillary Jacobs Hendel, a psychotherapist, writes about a patient who experienced what she calls “chronic shame.”
Hendel’s patient, Brian, had tried every type of treatment but electroconvulsive therapy, which he didn’t want to do. After meeting with him, she learned that he was neglected as a child.

During our initial sessions I developed a sense of what it was like to grow up in Brian’s home. Based on what he told me, I decided to treat him as a survivor of childhood neglect — a form of trauma. Even when two parents live under the same roof and provide the basics of care like food, shelter and physical safety, as Brian’s parents had, the child can be neglected if the parents do not bond emotionally with him … Brian had few memories of being held, comforted, played with or asked how he was doing.

Hendel says the “innate” response to this kind of environment is distress. Brian blamed himself for that distress, believing he was the reason why he felt so alone. He felt shame for being abnormal or wrong. “For the child, shaming himself is less terrifying than accepting that his caregivers can’t be counted on for comfort or connection.” This is called attachment trauma. It results from a child seeking safety and closeness from their parent — yet the parent is not close or safe.
Hendel also is a clinical supervisor with the AEDP Institute. She specializes in a treatment called accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy. Because Brian didn’t trust his own emotions, he was unable to use them as a compass for living, she explains. She aimed to use AEDP to bring this emotional life into awareness and allow Brian to experience his thoughts and emotions in an actively supportive environment.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/03/23/depression-or-chronic-shame/ 
 

British Airways told of pilot's abuse, victims claim
By Angus Crawford

The BBC has uncovered new evidence indicating British Airways was told of concerns about a pilot's behaviour.

First Officer Simon Wood allegedly sexually assaulted at least 50 children in Kenya and Uganda between 2001 and 2013.

It is believed that BA staff were told of concerns about Wood's behaviour twice in that time.

The airline says it's "shocked and horrified" by the allegations and that its "sympathies are with the victims."

A number of those victims are now suing the airline for compensation.

BA says it will "robustly" defend itself against the action.
Anonymous tip off
Wood, 54, from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire, flew BA routes to Kenya and Uganda for more than a decade.

There he volunteered at several charities including an AIDS orphanage.

In July 2013, Wood was arrested by police after an anonymous tip-off. He was charged with indecent assault and possessing indecent images.

In August that same year, shortly before he was due to appear in court, Wood killed himself.

It later emerged that he was first arrested over an indecent assault allegation in the UK in 2001.

Prosecutors ruled there was insufficient evidence to charge him.

In 2010, Wood won BA's Corporate Responsibility Award "for dedicating hours of his time" to charity work

Dismissed from charity
BBC News has learned that in July 2004 he was dismissed from the British board of Nairobi-based charity Nyumbani, because he had been found taking pictures at the charity of naked children at bath time.

Mike Johnson, another BA pilot who was also on the board, said: "Copies of the photographs were obtained and presented to the board".

Wood was removed from the board and told not to visit Nyumbani again.

Mike Johnson informed two senior managers at BA
(click link for the rest of the story)

 http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-31903011

Types of Dissociative Disorders

Written by Samantha Gluck

 

 Dissociative disorders run along a spectrum based on the severity of the symptoms. Find out about the different types of dissociative disorders along with their signs and symptoms

What are the types of dissociative disorders?

There are four major dissociative disorders:

• Dissociative amnesia
• Dissociative identity disorder
• Dissociative fugue
• Depersonalization disorder

What are the signs and symptoms of dissociative disorders?

Symptoms that are common to all 4 types of dissociative disorders include:

• Memory loss (amnesia) of certain time periods, events and people
• Mental health problems, including depression and anxiety
• A sense of being detached from yourself (depersonalization)
• A perception of the people and things around you as distorted and unreal (derealization)
• A blurred sense of identity

Each of the four major dissociative disorders is characterized by a distinct mode of dissociation. Dissociative disorder symptoms may include:

• Dissociative amnesia. Memory loss that's more extensive than normal forgetfulness and can't be explained by a physical or neurological condition is the hallmark of this condition. Sudden-onset amnesia following a traumatic event, such as a car accident, happens infrequently. More commonly, conscious recall of traumatic periods, events or people in your life — especially from childhood — is simply absent from your memory.
• Dissociative identity disorder. This condition, formerly known as multiple personality disorder, is characterized by "switching" to alternate identities when you're under stress. In dissociative identity disorder, you may feel the presence of one or more other people talking or living inside your head. Each of these identities may have their own name, personal history and characteristics, including marked differences in manner, voice, gender and even such physical qualities as the need for corrective eyewear. There often is considerable variation in each alternate personality's familiarity with the others. People with dissociative identity disorder typically also have dissociative amnesia.
• Dissociative fugue. People with this condition dissociate by putting real distance between themselves and their identity. For example, you may abruptly leave home or work and travel away, forgetting who you are and possibly adopting a new identity in a new location. People experiencing dissociative fugue typically retain all their faculties and may be very capable of blending in wherever they end up. A fugue episode may last only a few hours or, rarely, as long as many months. Dissociative fugue typically ends as abruptly as it begins. When it lifts, you may feel intensely disoriented, depressed and angry, with no recollection of what happened during the fugue or how you arrived in such unfamiliar circumstances.

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continue story below

http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/dissociative-identity-disorder/types-of-dissociative-disorders/

 

4 Things to Remember When You Feel Discouraged and Defeated

Marc and Angel Hack Life

angelc@marcandangel.com

 

This morning I didn’t feel like doing anything.  It’s a combination of exhaustion from a few days of hard work, and a lack of sleep with a baby in the house.

I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything important, which is a rare occurrence for me.  I just felt completely discouraged and defeated.  I started overthinking things and doubting myself, and wondering whether anything I do is worthwhile.

I sat there in this funk for nearly an hour and wondered how to get out of it.  Should I just forget about today?  Should I just give up on this project, because I’m not as good at it as I thought I was?

That’s what I was considering, at least for a little while.  But the better part of me knew this mild state of depression was temporary, and so I dug into my own intellectual toolbox for solutions – little tricks of the mind that can have a real effect on reality.

Here’s what works for me – four things to keep in mind (and do) when you feel discouraged and defeated:

1.  You are not the center of the universe (stop making it all about YOU). – I think we all have the tendency to put ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything from the viewpoint of how it affects us.  But this can have all kinds of adverse effects, from feeling sorry for ourselves when things aren’t going exactly as planned, to doubting ourselves when we aren’t perfect.  So this morning, instead of worrying so much about myself, I thought about other people I might help.  Finding little ways to help others gets me out of my self-centered thinking, and then I’m not wallowing in self-pity anymore – I’m starting to think about what others need.  I’m not doubting myself, because the question of whether I’m good enough or not is no longer the central question.  The central question now is about what others need.  Thus, thinking about others instead of myself helps me move forward.

2.  You are more than one thing (loosen up and stretch your identity). – We all have this picture in our minds of ourselves – this idea of what kind of person we are.  When this idea gets threatened, we react defensively.  People may question whether we did a good job, and this threatens our idea of being a competent person, so we become angry or hurt by the criticism.  Someone falsely accuses us of something and this threatens our idea that we’re a good person, and so we get angry and argumentative.  My identity of myself as someone who’s motivated and productive and has great ideas… this was getting in the way this morning.  When I wasn’t productive, it made me feel defeated because I began subconsciously worrying that I wasn’t who I thought I was.  My solution was to realize that I’m not just one thing.  I’m not always productive – sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m unproductive too.  I’m not always motivated — sometimes I am, but other times I’m feeling lazy.  And obviously I don’t always have great ideas either – because that’s impossible.  The truth is, I can be many things, and remembering this helps me stretch my identity so it isn’t so fragile.  Then it doesn’t matter if someone thinks I didn’t do a good job – because I don’t always do a good job.  I make mistakes.  I am less than perfect.  And that’s perfectly OK.

3. Today is still a priceless gift (make the best of it). – I only have so many days left on Earth.  I don’t know how many that is, but I do know it’s a very limited number.  I know that each one of those limited days is a gift, a blessing… a miracle.  And that squandering this miracle is a crime – a horrible lack of appreciation for what I’ve been given.  And so, I reminded myself this morning that this day counts and that I still need to make the best of it.  That doesn’t mean I need to be hyper-productive or work myself into the ground, but that I should do something worthwhile.  Sometimes taking a break to nourish yourself is a worthwhile activity, because doing so allows you to regroup and do other worthwhile things.  But just sitting around in self-pity isn’t helpful.  So I got up and took my 7-month-old son for a long walk that we both enjoyed, and I came back feeling better.

4.  Even the tiniest possible step is progress. (take that tiny step). – It can be hard to get moving when you are seriously stuck.  This is how I felt a decade ago when I was stuck in a rut after simultaneously losing my breadwinning job and two loved ones to illness.  It was really hard to motivate myself when I didn’t think I had the strength to push forward – when I felt insanely horrible and sorry for myself.  But I took one tiny step every day, and it felt good, and I got stronger.  That’s what I did this morning too – I took the tiniest possible step.  Just turning on my computer, opening up a document, and writing a single sentence.  Such an action is so small as to seem insignificant, and yet so easy as to be possible when I was feeling defeated.  And it showed me the next step was possible, and the next.  And the end result is this email you’re reading now.

Yes, I’m still feeling out of it, but not defeated.  I’m feeling stronger, because I took these steps.

I know some of you feel the same way from time to time, maybe more often than you’d like to admit.  That’s OK.  We all do.  We aren’t machines, constantly charged up and ready to fire on all cylinders.  We are human, which means we falter, we doubt ourselves, and we feel pain sometimes.

This too shall pass...

And of course, if you're struggling with any of these points, know that you are not alone. 

Private Coaching

Svava Brooks is offering to be a therapist/coach for anyone who has been abused as a child.

She is charging only $55.00/hour for her services.  She has my complete endorsement.  She was sexually abused as a child and is the President of the Educate4Change organization and is a speaker at multiple media and children organizations.

You can contact her at 619-889-6366 or email her at svava@educate4change.com 

Got Issues? It’s All Your Parents’ Fault

By Jonice Webb

Everything that’s wrong in your life is the fault of your parents. Whatever your struggles, your mistakes and your pain, you are not to blame. You are an innocent victim of those who raised you.
At least that’s the way some folks interpret my definition of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN).
The definition of CEN: A parent’s failure to respond enough to the child’s emotional needs. People who grow up this way go forward into adulthood out of touch with their own emotions, feeling empty, alone and disconnected, and are baffled about what is wrong with them.
Here’s a comment that was posted on Ten Steps to Learn Self-Discipline:
Are you saying that when a parent fails to teach their children this skill well enough, that parent is guilty of Childhood Emotional Neglect? This article was insulting.
I’ve received many such comments. They point to one of the biggest barriers I have encountered in my efforts to bring the concept of Childhood Emotional Neglect to more people: the discomfort of blaming the parents.
Despite the overwhelming body of research proving it, many people strongly resist the fact that their parents’ treatment of them in childhood had a profound effect upon who they are as adults. It is uncomfortable to blame our parents for the problems and issues that we experience in adulthood. It feels like letting ourselves off the hook. Some people consider it “whining.”


http://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2015/02/got-issues-its-all-your-parents-fault/